Imagine one day you wake up and realize that your senses are missing. You cannot taste anything, it doesn't make any difference what you are eating, the delicacies you savored once, are nothing like that, no matter how carefully, full-heartedly you cooked, nothing tastes like it did before. You notice you don't feel or understand touch anymore, the moments that you once cherished have no life left in them, are all gone.! You have no idea what you are doing now and what this body is? The touch of that soap, foam, aroma of essential oils, while taking a shower is gone. Body feels distant, alien, or as if it's a mere statue of clay. You realize nothing smells differently anymore, all scents or non-scents are nonsense, from a sensical being you suddenly became a nonsensical one.

Pardon me, I am at a loss of words here to describe the dilemma of Enlightenment that I had to face and all words seem similar to me now, language has lost its format, structure, meaning to me. I did not know what Enlightenment is? I mean what it does to the body, to the senses, to the emotions, to the "Being" that we are, or who we think we were before, and I was freaked out for about couple of months. I fought real bad with all that was gone, tried hard to bring it back somehow, and discovering what all is gone became a game for me, at that time it did not feel like a good thing, though. For a sensitive, artistic, poetic, creative kind of a person, loss of senses wasn't a very good thing to happen. And I had no one for me to explain what has happened to me, is it normal or abnormal?

For two months I had a grumpy, sad response coming out of me, for all that was gone. Though there was always a KNOWING, a deep knowing that it's all OK and as a result of Enlightenment, I have distanced from my body now, from my physical/gross part of existence, which helps going forward. But still, at times I wished, hoped, if I could bring back that part, for couple of hours somehow, how cool that would be? (Laughing)

Although I did not have very many words to explain my situation to anyone, until one day my knowledgeable friend Arathi, whom I was explaining what Enlightenment does to us said, "oh yea "The Experiencer" is missing. And it hit me real hard. Oh, so my senses are OK, they work, it's just that the mental faculty that personality which was earlier 'experiencing' through these senses is no more, is dead. Well, that made perfect sense to me. Thanks to Arathi, she gave words to my less verbal communication. I let it go, I learned to live without experiencing, there was bliss, joy in every moment, without experiencing anything, so why to fight for what is no longer part of my existence. So I laughed and made peace with it.

Slowly from a picky eater, sophisticated cook, I turned into someone who can eat anything, without trying to modify it, or define it, or categorize it. I used to be a person who would not eat food which lacks proper salt, and I turned into the one, who never tries to add salt, even if it is completely missing. Slowly I started having less and less interest in cooking also, as nothing in me was looking for any more experience through taste. Food became something that I just have to eat to keep the body going, no other point I saw around the domain of "taste".

Slowly I turned into the one who doesn't want her body to be touched at all, it felt alien, or you can say I couldn't feel it, I did not see any point in it. Here in the US, people/ladies usually hug when they meet, and I genuinely lost inclination to do that. I would say Hi and Bye without touching. Except occasionally hugging a child, or caress someone on their shoulders, I didn't see any other purpose of the domain of touch.

Slowly from a super music lover, who could listen to music 24 by 7, I became the one who wouldn't turn any music on, despite having a HUGE collection of Hindi, English songs, Spiritual Music, Mantras, Binaural Beats, Solfeggio Tones, this and that. There was perfect silence in my existence, music or no music it made no difference to me. Rather sounds became scattered when I heard them, for few days I couldn't hear properly, and music felt like nothing but noise. Instead, the sound of OM/AUM was prominent in me, I couldn't localize it in me, but it felt as if it's coming from the heart center. It made me go into Samadhi for few days, then I was adjusted to it. Silence has a sound of its own, words of its own, notes, a symphony of its own.

Slowly from a beauty lover, who would clean and decorate house endlessly, breathlessly I turned into someone who is fine whichever way surroundings were, not that I did not clean the house or anything, but eyes lost the look. Or the one who used to look through my eyes was lost, was dead. Instead, eyes were focused just anywhere, like in a constant stare into nowhere kind of thing, without blinking. Looking at people felt like direct contact with the Being that they are, with their Essence. Vision became peripheral for few days, then adjusted itself or maybe I got used to of it. There was no difference between looking at a Tree or Flower, or Tree and a human being. It was ALL one, all the same.

Slowly from a person who would regularly engage into smudging the house with Sage, Incense sticks and Hawan Samagri and Camphor, I became the one who didn't see any point in doing that. It's heavenly everywhere as is, I did not need to do anything specific to make it that way. I was very fond of aroma candles, essential oils, perfumes and I forgot all that slowly.

Finally, that is what has meant by "Experiencer is no more".

Since the day we are born, the mind starts running outward using all the senses, creates the world of perception and develops a personality who is nothing but a total sum of all sense-perception. As a child, we would touch anything and everything, a rock, a flower, a dead bee, or even fire. Based on the perception mind creates a personality which has it's own likes and dislikes, it's own partial, filtered world where REAL world, where the way things are is mostly hidden, or absent. Second touch or sight of anything will always be through the filters, in the comparison of the memory of the first touch or sight or smell or taste. It seems as though the "next" experience always depends on the "previous" one, or will be filtered through that. We stop experiencing life the way it is because of lots of data being recorded by the mind in the form of memory, and judgment comes out of that. After growing up what we regard as "good" or "bad" is not necessarily that way, instead, is coming out of the opinion that mind created based off of previous experiences. It doesn't take LOT many experiences to become judgmental, or strong opinionated and this is what a "personality" is in us, which PLAYS us. We stop living, the day we stop being OPEN to life the way it is. At times sense-pleasure or displeasure becomes so strong that they start driving us, solidifying that "personality" even more. That's when one loses control over their Senses and Mind and becomes a slave instead. That personality becomes a strong EGO and then forces us to RECREATE those experiences. It could be something simple as partying all night until 5:00 AM, as that personality's definition of FUN, is just that. Or could be cleaning your house/space to the point of madness, as that personality's definition of cleanliness has become an obsession. Or could be talking endlessly without listening, as that personality's way of "being someone/somebody" is just through talking all the time. Or being always in "defensive mode", as somewhere that personality believes it is always being offended or attacked and needs preservation.

Somewhere, at some point, we need to stop, examine that "personality" that mind has created, examine all the memories, and opinions based on those, and see how much rubbish we are harboring which is stopping us to live, to experience Life, the way it is. OTHERWISE, we are reliving those memories, we are reliving the past over and over again. Living the past lived with person XYZ, in future again with person ABC. The Drama continues, replays itself, similar things happen again and again, and we wonder why? Once you analyze the personality, maybe you will realize that the definition of FUN is not only partying until 5:00 AM. Cleanliness shouldn't stop others around you to live and express life the way it is. Listening without the urge to respond is very important in comparison to being a chatterbox. Not always people around you are 'offending you', they may be simply expressing themselves, or trying to talk to you about something simple.

If you understand here, senses are not the culprit. Senses are fine, they help us see, feel touch, smell, taste this beautiful world, they save us from any danger, but excessive reliance on them, the mental personification of them, turns us into their slave. The Mind plays an important role in recording, translating the sense-perceptions and defining them into various categories of "good, bad, usual, normal" etc. Someday just give up the role of the mind, that "personality" and live with your senses, as if they have been given to you the very first time, as if you are using them the very first time like a child does, and if any mental, memory based judgment comes out from mind, discard that and see how it feels to live in this world. See how beautiful it is to have what we have been given. You may wonder, why you need to do that? Because you are "suffering" your own "perception" of the personal world of your mental/egoistic personality. There is no suffering outside that little world of that personality, open your eyes and see for yourself. 

With Enlightenment, when I say that "Experiencer" is no more, it doesn't mean I lost the senses, senses are there, working normally as they should, it's just that that memory based personality that mind created is dead. So every sense-perception now is new, and since that personality is dead, no new experience is being recorded as a memory, so next time when I see, touch or smell the same thing again, no comparison comes out, no judgment or opinion comes out, as I live in this world the way it is, I live in NOW, in REALITY, beyond DUALITY of good/bad, beautiful/ugly, good smell, bad one, tasty/horrible etc. All likes. dislikes are gone. It's not that I have forgotten what "I used to like or dislike", but there is no "personality within" to access those sections of my memory, except occasionally where it should be that way. So it's all there like the "deleted files" from the computer still are in the memory/hard disk, deletion merely means losing the references to those.

This "KNOWING & UNDERSTANDING" of "Missing Experiencer" came to me "with" Enlightenment.

The domain, the story of "experiencer" doesn't stop there, it goes all the way to "being in relationship with others and with our own self", "out of body" experiences, astral travels and trying to wander in different dimensions, Shambala, Shangrila, Kundalini, Energy, Celestial Beings, Angels, Demons and just anything and everything, until a "personality" is ALIVE within us, life is nothing but a series of filtered, less real experiences. Look carefully, that "personality" changes over the period of time, and takes many faces and forms. Earthly Plane, Human Body/Life is the domain of an "Experiencer" and it keeps on creating many many stories over the course of life.

Next >> Knowing

Suggestion - Death of the Experiencer - How do I drop my mind/ego/aham?

~ Prakriti